I cant stop the fear

Two days ago I was at my therapists. It was our second session in as many weeks. I started seeing her back in July of 2007. During that time, I was very depressed and going through a major episode. After our first session, it became apparent to me that the main reason for my troubles was my sexual orientation, and lack of acknowledgment. She told me to liberate myself. So I did.

I went home and called my sister. She said, "Are you a homosexual?". Beat me to the punch. I said, "yes". The next month was filled with similar conversations. I told my friends from grad school. My friends from elementary and high school. My friends from undergrad. A few colleagues. Exhausting, repetitive conversations. The same questions. The same nervousness before each. Exhausting. Emotionally exhausting.

I waited to tell my parents until October 6, 2007. I flew home for a three-day weekend and drove down. Unbeknown to me, my sister had already told my brother and sister-in-law. I guess she did this to take the pressure off me. Anyways, I overcame the fear. That is my point. I told my parents.

However, there has always been a sense of fear in me. A constant sense of fear. I have really only lived without it for the two years I was at the University of Florida, studying Sport Management and working full-time. Since I have left, the fear has consumed me. An inner voice.

You're not good enough. You'll never make it. You don't deserve success. You will never live your dreams. You will never be rich. You will never own a house. You will never have a great body. You will never be loved. You will never live abroad. You will never have a great successful job abroad. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I can't deal with it. It is the first voice I hear in the morning, and it chums along everyday. It is the last voice I hear at night. It all boils down to what I am doing with my life, my mistakes and where I want to be.

So what does success mean to me?

-Living your dreams.
-Being financially secure.
-Owning your dream house.
-Paying off your debts.
-Getting the education you want.
-Working at a job you love.
-Doing the little things you want to do, however small, however big.
-Finding love.
-Retiring financially secure
-Living a balanced life, in consideration of all this.

Which brings me back to the voice. The voice that haunts me and beats me up...and down. That voice, as my therapist pointed out, is not my own. That voice. Is the voice of my father. His voice. His voice is the one which resonates so loudly in my 29 year old head. Even to this day. It rings louder than my own.

3 voices. Mine. My father's. His (whatever spiritual body that I come to solidify as my shephard). There should only be two voices in my opinion. But, my voice, is the most important.

So how do I get rid of my my father's voice? The voice that told me I was not good enough. Who was there as a distant, "Oz-like" creation from the back bedroom. The voice that was either comparing me to my brother, or yelling at me, or criticizing my mother's cooking, or yelling at me, or making a cynical and sarcastic criticism of someone else, or was exploding and telling me, I wasn't good enough.

Not good enough to win the hoop shoot in 4th grade. Not good enough to start on the varsity basketball team. Not good enough to go to school at Concordia or Willamette. Not good enough.

Fuck, what happened to that boy that wanted to see the world and live abroad and feel that satisfaction. Where b