Confusion. The dictionary defines it as refers to loss of orientation (ability to place oneself correctly in the world by time, location, and personal identity) and often memory (ability to correctly recall previous events or learn new material).
My ability to focus is so gone right now. I have put down for the first 19 years of my life. Put them down and tucked them away. Now though, I find that I am still as scatter brained as ever.
When I moved to Virginia in July of 2005, I went through this same feeling. I toyed with the idea of moving to California and working as a writer or doing the same thing in NYC. I started an application for Survivor. I tried to "run off" to the Peace Corps but started coming out of the closet and then took a chance on love.
The following year, I remember bringing home annals and annals of job descriptions and applications. I think I applied to a job for a whole year. I interviewed with the Peace Corps, with four or five universities, even went to an on campus visit at one. The whole time, what I was thinking is that I wanted to do DO DO DO something with my life.
Then I am here again. What is wrong with me? Why can I not focus my attention? Why am I so confused?
You see moving and starting over are things I have to do for my frame of mind. It is now a health issue.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Today I feel depression seeking in. Which is to say that it is seeking "back in", not like it was last week. Going home to Washington was absolutely the best time that I have ever had. I really enjoyed being with my parents and sisters, and seeing my neices and nephews and cousins, aunts, uncles and high school friends. It was the best time I had had there.
The day before I left my parent's house, I went to the river in the valley below. I took a few newspaper clippings that my dad had hung on my wall. There were indicative of the type of "humor" my dad sometimes uses that gets me down.
I took the clippings down to the river, said a few lines about forgiveness and letting go, then I lit them on fire and floated them down. Overhead, a bald eagle flew.
I am really homesick now. It is weird but I know that I am sick because coming back to Virginia. I miss my family. I miss my neices and nephews and definitely know that I want a family of my own. I miss my things. I miss what Trey has taken from me. I am really sad about it and I can not seem to shake it. He has taken so much. Hurt me so much and I just want to put it all behind me. I despise him. I want nothing to do with him, but I just want my stuff back first. I wish that I never would have met him. He has been the cause of so much pain in my life and I just want it to end. My "relationship" with him. I want him out of my life, yet I know that it is hard.
The other reason it is hard to be here is because of my current salary, 27,000 a year. When I was 25, I started out making 32,000 a year. I have three degrees and 50,000 dollars in student loans. Then, I left CNU, spent a year and a half earning around 15,000 total as a volunteer, and then was unemployed for few months. But, the fact that I am on this path is all because of Mr. &&&&. He is the reason for all of it. He has really affeted my life negatively. He has hurt me and controlled me and lied to me and manipulated me. He got me in trouble at my workplace. He destroyed my stuff. Took my dog. When I write these things now, I get angry. ANGRY!
And I know that I can feel these sins no more, but I also no that I have to quit feeling like I NEED something to "save me" because no one can save you but yourself. God is not going to come down and get you a better job or put you in a better school. He isn't going to buy you a house. That is bullshit. God's greatest gift, is that of life. The rest is up to us. I truly believe that we have guardian angels and that they look over us, but I know that it is not everything. I know it is not everything. I know that nothing replaces education and hard work. WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.
The day before I left my parent's house, I went to the river in the valley below. I took a few newspaper clippings that my dad had hung on my wall. There were indicative of the type of "humor" my dad sometimes uses that gets me down.
I took the clippings down to the river, said a few lines about forgiveness and letting go, then I lit them on fire and floated them down. Overhead, a bald eagle flew.
I am really homesick now. It is weird but I know that I am sick because coming back to Virginia. I miss my family. I miss my neices and nephews and definitely know that I want a family of my own. I miss my things. I miss what Trey has taken from me. I am really sad about it and I can not seem to shake it. He has taken so much. Hurt me so much and I just want to put it all behind me. I despise him. I want nothing to do with him, but I just want my stuff back first. I wish that I never would have met him. He has been the cause of so much pain in my life and I just want it to end. My "relationship" with him. I want him out of my life, yet I know that it is hard.
The other reason it is hard to be here is because of my current salary, 27,000 a year. When I was 25, I started out making 32,000 a year. I have three degrees and 50,000 dollars in student loans. Then, I left CNU, spent a year and a half earning around 15,000 total as a volunteer, and then was unemployed for few months. But, the fact that I am on this path is all because of Mr. &&&&. He is the reason for all of it. He has really affeted my life negatively. He has hurt me and controlled me and lied to me and manipulated me. He got me in trouble at my workplace. He destroyed my stuff. Took my dog. When I write these things now, I get angry. ANGRY!
And I know that I can feel these sins no more, but I also no that I have to quit feeling like I NEED something to "save me" because no one can save you but yourself. God is not going to come down and get you a better job or put you in a better school. He isn't going to buy you a house. That is bullshit. God's greatest gift, is that of life. The rest is up to us. I truly believe that we have guardian angels and that they look over us, but I know that it is not everything. I know it is not everything. I know that nothing replaces education and hard work. WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Confusion and fatigue is what I feel most of the day. Anger and sadness represent the rest. How can it be that we find our places in these places? How can I be back to square one? Do I not take life seriously enough? Do I not have discipline. Low Delayed Gratification? Do I just fear that I will not amount to anything or anoyone?
Can't, Won't, Hurt, Should have, would have, could have. DOUBT.
I am
I dont want to. is the worst statement in the world. Start focusing on what you want. not on what you dont want.
We know what we dont want. these things are really simple. but the things that we want. they are numerous and it can sometimes be hard to narrow those choices down. dont be so hard on yourself. forgive yourself for your faults and your past mistakes. forgive your father. forgive your mother for staying with him. forgive the friends that have made you angry or not mentioned you or your name. forgive those that have hurt you beyond measure. forgive and release the pain. release the anger. breathe it out. forgive in order to live.
I am
I dont want to. is the worst statement in the world. Start focusing on what you want. not on what you dont want.
We know what we dont want. these things are really simple. but the things that we want. they are numerous and it can sometimes be hard to narrow those choices down. dont be so hard on yourself. forgive yourself for your faults and your past mistakes. forgive your father. forgive your mother for staying with him. forgive the friends that have made you angry or not mentioned you or your name. forgive those that have hurt you beyond measure. forgive and release the pain. release the anger. breathe it out. forgive in order to live.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Fear of Failure
Fear of not accomplishing what I want, I dont even know what I want. I am so confused as to what I want to do with my life. I am thuroughly confused. I just feel so fucking confused.
Fear of failing/Fear of Trying
Not feeling like I am good enough or that I can accomplish what I want to accomplish or that I will not get to where I want to be or that the hill is too steep or that there are so many people that are better than me or that i am too old. That is what I feel. I feel like I do not belong and that I am not good enough. I just cant take that step forward. I am afraid of money. I am afraid of starting over. I am afraid of trying. So I procrastinate. I take on so much and I just end up wasting so much of my time and energy. I have wasted so much of my life analyzing who I am. SO MUCH TIME!
Fear of failing/Fear of Trying
Not feeling like I am good enough or that I can accomplish what I want to accomplish or that I will not get to where I want to be or that the hill is too steep or that there are so many people that are better than me or that i am too old. That is what I feel. I feel like I do not belong and that I am not good enough. I just cant take that step forward. I am afraid of money. I am afraid of starting over. I am afraid of trying. So I procrastinate. I take on so much and I just end up wasting so much of my time and energy. I have wasted so much of my life analyzing who I am. SO MUCH TIME!
My head feels clouded and I want to eat. I have wsted for 6 months. I feel cloudy cloudy cloudy. I feel cloudy.
I cannot even think straight right now. I just waste away on this couch. I dont call anyone and i feel so disconnected from everyone. I mask this under my inability to have fun. I just feel so
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
What would it Take?
What would it take?
To live all your dreams.
To swim across oceans and rivers and streams.
To lay in the sun and never get burned.
To go to the front, without waiting your turn.
To eat what you want and never get sick.
To go out each night, to treat and to trick.
To fly as high as the stars.
Over mountains and trees.
To taste the sweet honey of success, and from bees.
To live how you want, with no care whatsoever.
To walk down the street as light as a feather.
To dream and dream big.
And dream beyond hope.
To have everything you want, from houses to soap.
To get every gift and smile every smile.
To win every race. To run every mile.
To feel safe and feel free and never look back.
To live with yourself with nothing you lack.
To love and be loved and be loved just some more.
To be shaken by love, write down to your core.
Oh what would it take, to make this come true?
A lot of hard work and you believing in you.
To live all your dreams.
To swim across oceans and rivers and streams.
To lay in the sun and never get burned.
To go to the front, without waiting your turn.
To eat what you want and never get sick.
To go out each night, to treat and to trick.
To fly as high as the stars.
Over mountains and trees.
To taste the sweet honey of success, and from bees.
To live how you want, with no care whatsoever.
To walk down the street as light as a feather.
To dream and dream big.
And dream beyond hope.
To have everything you want, from houses to soap.
To get every gift and smile every smile.
To win every race. To run every mile.
To feel safe and feel free and never look back.
To live with yourself with nothing you lack.
To love and be loved and be loved just some more.
To be shaken by love, write down to your core.
Oh what would it take, to make this come true?
A lot of hard work and you believing in you.
what would that look like?
What do you fear?
I am fearful that my life in materials has been permanently lossed or destroyed or sold at auction.
I am fearful that I will never see my dog, Caiman, again.
And when I think of these fears, I get angry and sad.
I am fearful that my debt, unpaid and over 90 days past due, will keep me from getting a student loan. And when I think of this, I become worried.
I am fearful that my past employment record will prevent me from future employment, and this makes me worried.
I am fearful that I have HIV from having sex with several men this past year, and this makes me worried.
These are all my fears.
What would it look like? To be consumed by fear?
It would resemble a man in his late 20s, powerless and crying on the lawn during a beautiful summers day.
It would resemble laying in bed all day, and staring at the white ceilings and the walls of my sister's bedroom, and then covering up your head with the covers, just so things remain dark.
It would resemble sleeping fully clothed, eating at will and falling asleep on anything but a bed.
It would resemble not taking care of your hygiene.
It would resemble bad choices, fueled by a lack of confidence and irrationality.
It would resemble constant sadness and crying.
It would resemble bursts of anger.
It would resemble procrastination and the use of vices like sex, food and alcohol to get by.
It would resemble extreme remorse.
It would resemble feeling powerless and not empowered.
It would resemble feeling like a loser and that you will end up homeless.
It would resemble not being excited about anything, not wanting to move, not wanting to run.
It would resemble criticism and getting annoyed with others easily.
It would resemble giving your controls away.
It would resemble crying and crying and crying.
What would it look like to be consumed by hope and confidence and excitement about your future?
It would resemble nothing like what I just wrote.
It would resemble feeling powerful and empowered and in control.
It would resemble happiness and calm.
It would resemble pride.
It would resemble no regrets and no pain.
It would resemble feeling like you are living on your own terms for the first time.
It would feel liberating.
What does it take?
A strategic plan. A list of goals, objectives and the tasks and steps needed to accomplish those. It takes constant reminding yourself that you are good enough for this. It takes will power. It takes strength.
This is a test. "Adversity causes some men to break, others to break records" -William A. Ward
I am fearful that my life in materials has been permanently lossed or destroyed or sold at auction.
I am fearful that I will never see my dog, Caiman, again.
And when I think of these fears, I get angry and sad.
I am fearful that my debt, unpaid and over 90 days past due, will keep me from getting a student loan. And when I think of this, I become worried.
I am fearful that my past employment record will prevent me from future employment, and this makes me worried.
I am fearful that I have HIV from having sex with several men this past year, and this makes me worried.
These are all my fears.
What would it look like? To be consumed by fear?
It would resemble a man in his late 20s, powerless and crying on the lawn during a beautiful summers day.
It would resemble laying in bed all day, and staring at the white ceilings and the walls of my sister's bedroom, and then covering up your head with the covers, just so things remain dark.
It would resemble sleeping fully clothed, eating at will and falling asleep on anything but a bed.
It would resemble not taking care of your hygiene.
It would resemble bad choices, fueled by a lack of confidence and irrationality.
It would resemble constant sadness and crying.
It would resemble bursts of anger.
It would resemble procrastination and the use of vices like sex, food and alcohol to get by.
It would resemble extreme remorse.
It would resemble feeling powerless and not empowered.
It would resemble feeling like a loser and that you will end up homeless.
It would resemble not being excited about anything, not wanting to move, not wanting to run.
It would resemble criticism and getting annoyed with others easily.
It would resemble giving your controls away.
It would resemble crying and crying and crying.
What would it look like to be consumed by hope and confidence and excitement about your future?
It would resemble nothing like what I just wrote.
It would resemble feeling powerful and empowered and in control.
It would resemble happiness and calm.
It would resemble pride.
It would resemble no regrets and no pain.
It would resemble feeling like you are living on your own terms for the first time.
It would feel liberating.
What does it take?
A strategic plan. A list of goals, objectives and the tasks and steps needed to accomplish those. It takes constant reminding yourself that you are good enough for this. It takes will power. It takes strength.
This is a test. "Adversity causes some men to break, others to break records" -William A. Ward
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