what would that look like?

What do you fear?

I am fearful that my life in materials has been permanently lossed or destroyed or sold at auction.
I am fearful that I will never see my dog, Caiman, again.
And when I think of these fears, I get angry and sad.

I am fearful that my debt, unpaid and over 90 days past due, will keep me from getting a student loan. And when I think of this, I become worried.

I am fearful that my past employment record will prevent me from future employment, and this makes me worried.

I am fearful that I have HIV from having sex with several men this past year, and this makes me worried.

These are all my fears.

What would it look like? To be consumed by fear?

It would resemble a man in his late 20s, powerless and crying on the lawn during a beautiful summers day.

It would resemble laying in bed all day, and staring at the white ceilings and the walls of my sister's bedroom, and then covering up your head with the covers, just so things remain dark.

It would resemble sleeping fully clothed, eating at will and falling asleep on anything but a bed.

It would resemble not taking care of your hygiene.

It would resemble bad choices, fueled by a lack of confidence and irrationality.

It would resemble constant sadness and crying.

It would resemble bursts of anger.

It would resemble procrastination and the use of vices like sex, food and alcohol to get by.

It would resemble extreme remorse.

It would resemble feeling powerless and not empowered.

It would resemble feeling like a loser and that you will end up homeless.

It would resemble not being excited about anything, not wanting to move, not wanting to run.

It would resemble criticism and getting annoyed with others easily.

It would resemble giving your controls away.

It would resemble crying and crying and crying.

What would it look like to be consumed by hope and confidence and excitement about your future?

It would resemble nothing like what I just wrote.

It would resemble feeling powerful and empowered and in control.

It would resemble happiness and calm.

It would resemble pride.

It would resemble no regrets and no pain.

It would resemble feeling like you are living on your own terms for the first time.

It would feel liberating.

What does it take?

A strategic plan. A list of goals, objectives and the tasks and steps needed to accomplish those. It takes constant reminding yourself that you are good enough for this. It takes will power. It takes strength.

This is a test. "Adversity causes some men to break, others to break records" -William A. Ward