Today I feel depression seeking in. Which is to say that it is seeking "back in", not like it was last week. Going home to Washington was absolutely the best time that I have ever had. I really enjoyed being with my parents and sisters, and seeing my neices and nephews and cousins, aunts, uncles and high school friends. It was the best time I had had there.

The day before I left my parent's house, I went to the river in the valley below. I took a few newspaper clippings that my dad had hung on my wall. There were indicative of the type of "humor" my dad sometimes uses that gets me down.

I took the clippings down to the river, said a few lines about forgiveness and letting go, then I lit them on fire and floated them down. Overhead, a bald eagle flew.

I am really homesick now. It is weird but I know that I am sick because coming back to Virginia. I miss my family. I miss my neices and nephews and definitely know that I want a family of my own. I miss my things. I miss what Trey has taken from me. I am really sad about it and I can not seem to shake it. He has taken so much. Hurt me so much and I just want to put it all behind me. I despise him. I want nothing to do with him, but I just want my stuff back first. I wish that I never would have met him. He has been the cause of so much pain in my life and I just want it to end. My "relationship" with him. I want him out of my life, yet I know that it is hard.

The other reason it is hard to be here is because of my current salary, 27,000 a year. When I was 25, I started out making 32,000 a year. I have three degrees and 50,000 dollars in student loans. Then, I left CNU, spent a year and a half earning around 15,000 total as a volunteer, and then was unemployed for few months. But, the fact that I am on this path is all because of Mr. &&&&. He is the reason for all of it. He has really affeted my life negatively. He has hurt me and controlled me and lied to me and manipulated me. He got me in trouble at my workplace. He destroyed my stuff. Took my dog. When I write these things now, I get angry. ANGRY!

And I know that I can feel these sins no more, but I also no that I have to quit feeling like I NEED something to "save me" because no one can save you but yourself. God is not going to come down and get you a better job or put you in a better school. He isn't going to buy you a house. That is bullshit. God's greatest gift, is that of life. The rest is up to us. I truly believe that we have guardian angels and that they look over us, but I know that it is not everything. I know it is not everything. I know that nothing replaces education and hard work. WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE.